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| Robert and Fairy Hayes-Scott |
This is Part 2 of A Black Love Story: A Senior’s Perspective, where I provide entries from my diaries that share and reflect on my experiences with romance. You can read Part 1 of A Black Love Story: A Senior’s Perspective HERE.
You may also be interested in reading Preface To A Black Love Story: A Senior’s Perspective to learn how this series began.
Diary Entry—June 23, 1979
Dear Regioque (June 23) I had a very lovely time at Bob’s house. He has furnished it nicely. He was a first-rate gentleman. We spent the eve talkin’ and talkin’. I could have stayed longer and chatted, but I realized it was getting late (1:00 AM).
I let him know I appreciated his honesty. And he responded that was due to me. Indeed, that was a compliment.
We both admitted how comfortable we were together. And that is true. For a second I was a bit apprehensive before arriving at his place. I mean I didn’t know if maybe he’d—well, I don’t know —maybe be aggressive. Thank Goodness, he was his nice self, and I enjoyed every minute with him.
Although I have a lot to do tomorrow, I would still like to see Bob. I can’t explain my feelings. I’m not in love. I have no physical attraction, but I dig his personness, his warmth, his sincerity, etc. I miss him. I need your and God’s guidance.
I can share so much with him. Gee, it is beautiful. Please, God, help me proceed with caution. Thine Will be Done.
2025
It can be in 1978 or 2025; it is most important that a couple can comfortably communicate. Sometimes, during an early part of a possible relationship, it may not be a “love-at-first-sight” moment. It’s not like in the movies. A “for real” relationship takes time.
Do you like sitting and talking with the individual? Do you enjoy laughing with the individual? Do you seem to have more in common than just lust for one another? If lust is the basis of the relationship, it will not really last as a satisfying relationship. That was the case in 1978, and still is in 2025.
Diary Entry—June 30, 1979
Dear Regioque (June 30) I arrived at the National Technical Institute for the Deaf (NTID) [the college where I did my internship preparing for my doctorate] on Tuesday afternoon, June 26 as planned.
I am very pleased with my roommate. She is a sharp Black woman working on her doctorate at Ball State University. She is really making my stay here enjoyable. We have engaged in some very interesting conversations.
On a different note, I think of Bob Scott a lot. I wonder
does he think of me? I miss hearing his voice. I would like to talk with him. I would like to see him. However, I am letting God handle things. I do not want to come on too strong.
2025
My academic and social experiences were memorable at NTID. The professors and the people whom I met in the dorm really expanded my growth and understanding of Deafness. Also, my being away from Bob really solidified my feelings about him.
Diary Entry—July 7, 1979
Dear Regioque (July 7) Claudette is here! And I am SO happy. I have had a chance to share my ambiguities about my feelings about Bob and Harold. It was nice getting the chance to talk with her. She is staying at the Hilton. I’ll treat her to dinner today and tomorrow. I know I ain’t got much money. But I figured it’s the least I can do. Gee, she is a super friend!! God, I thank You!!
Oh, now, fer the social/social news—Bob Scott called me. He had been trying and trying to get ahold of me. On Thursday the mailroom let me know. I called Bob that night after I returned from the library. It was REALLY nice hearing his voice. He is someone who is very nice and genuine.
Oh, God, I need Your advice—Your guidance. Of course, after talking to Claudette, my ideas are gaining some focus. Oh! And, then, I wonder if I start really to care for him and he will just want to remain platonic, what will I do? Oh, I am scared. Help!!
You know Claudette made an interesting observation regarding Harold. She said that he served a purpose in my life. And when I think about it, she is right. As she said when I met him, I had a need to be treated special and to know that someone cared for me. That is true.
And I guess that God has sent someone even better into my life and wishes me to move on. Lord knows Bob Scott IS a good man.
When I told my roommate about Bob and Harold, she intuitively stated that all the criteria I had set for what I want in a man, Bob Scott seemed to fit.
2025
First, let me say that I have been blessed with some very special friends; some have been like sisters. Claudette was one of those friend/sisters. We met in high school. She really knew me and would tell me what I did or did not want to hear. And, yes, I listened to her because I trusted her.
No matter how old one gets, a man and woman need that kind of friend that they can share feelings with and know that friend will give good solid advice and not tell your business to anyone. And that was the kind of person Claudette was. I miss her; God took her home some years ago. I am sure glad I treated her to those dinners. In my little way, I let her know I truly appreciated her!
Now, regarding Bob’s trying to get ahold of me, he called all over Rochester, NY trying to find a way to contact me. Oh, I had sent a letter to him giving him all of the contact information and my dorm address, BUT he never received the letter UNTIL after we had our conversation.
Then, I recalled what my Mother had told me years ago, when I started dating. She said, “Pumpkin, if a man wants to get ahold of you, he will find a way.” And I retorted, “But, Mommy, what if he does not have a phone?” She responded, “Pumpkin, hear me well, a dude will find you if he really wants to!”
Well, Bob Scott proved my Mother was so right. And this was in the day when you had to pay long-distance fees! And how many in 2025 even know what these fees were?
Now, with cell phones, Facebook, Linked-In, there is no reason for a man to say, “I could not get ahold of you.” He is definitely being disingenuous. Or to be more blunt, the dude is lying.
Diary Entry—August 19, 1979
Dear Regioque (August 19, 1:00 AM) I went to bed earlier, but now I am wide awake. So many things are on my mind.
I returned from Rochester yesterday. I accomplished my 3 goals: 1)improving my signing skills; 2) learning more about Deafness; and 3) finishing my proposal for my dissertation. More than these three, I have learned and done so much more.
And should I begin about Bob Scott? He and I have grown to care for each other dearly. Oh, if there were ever a time I felt I might become engaged it is now! I care for him. And his letters and his calls assure me that something very grand is occurring. I want to savor every sacred and beautiful moment.
I can only anticipate seeing him later on today. Oh! I pray that I express myself to him clearly. And I pray I am open to what he has to say to me. Oh, God, is he whom You have saved for me? He is a gem. There is an old saying: “Good things come for those who wait.” I have waited for so long. And, yes, he is good—no—he is the best for me. Thank You!
2025
One knows that there is something very special about a guy or gal when there is the desire to see, talk, and be with that person. And I can truly say that I can still remember those feelings of anticipation.
Yes, I waited for Bob Scott. And there were times that I thought that God had destined that I never meet THE man for me. There is another saying: “God may not be on your time, but He is always on the right time.”
I had to grow as a person. I had to know what I actually wanted in a man. And dating different men and loving them and being broken-hearted helped me grow. Of course, I thought some previous guys were right for me, but I became more mature to understand that they were not for me. Perhaps, I should say I was not the right woman for them.
Time heals all wounds. Also, time helps one avoid wounds. And that is what happened for me.
Diary Entry—August 21, 1979
Dear Regioque (August 21) I have seen Bob. The meeting has been more than worth the wait. I really care for him, and I know he cares for me. And that makes me feel so good. To know that I am appreciated means so much to me.
We have had some serious conversations. And there is no doubt that we are both thinking about marriage. However, we know we need to know more about each other.
I had to be sure about this. And so, I asked Bob. I told him that I didn’t want to invest a lot of emotional energy into a relationship to be told, "Oh no, I ain’t ready.” And Bob understood.. I told him I just didn’t have time for that. And he replied, “I don’t have time either. Besides I want more children, and I don’t want to be a 100 at the PTA” (Chuckle).
Gee, it meant a lot to me to get that out. And there is a certain kind of security in knowing that we are heading in the same direction.
Bob said last night, “I am not unhappy with my life. However, I know I can be happier by sharing my hopes, dreams, and aspirations with someone.”
Oh, God , is he whom You have sent? Oh, THANK YOU!!! I shall treasure the human gift You have bestowed on me.
2025
It is so very important that you have those “nitty gritty” conversations with the person you think you would want to marry. Quite frankly, I doubt that a man or woman should NOT consider this kind of conversation until both have dated more than one man or woman and is in his/her LATE 20s, preferably in his/her thirties.
I see the twenties as those years when both get his/her career started, learn how to pay his/her own bills and live in hisher own apartment, townhouse, condo, or house, and discover himself/herself. Yes, I know there are exceptions to this, and I have met a few exceptions. However, for the twenty-year-olders in 2025, with all due respect, I must say “ya’ll ain’t ready.” And do not let anyone push you into a deep relationship.
I was lucky. My Mother nor Daddy made me feel guilty that I was not married in my late twenties. And although my favorite two aunts were concerned, they never said anything to me. I chuckle to think that my Mother admitted she was not excited about my marrying even when I hit the age of thirty. My beloved Aunt Rose and Aunt Mattie told her, after I became engaged, that she should be happy “since I was no spring chicken.” I learned about this statement after I was married.
And Bob’s sharing that he was happy with his life was something that young couples should keep in mind. If either is not happy with himself/herself, neither will be happy with someone else. NO one can make another happy. That happiness must be in the individual. Then, s/he can ADD to the happiness of another.
Diary Entry—August 24, 1979
Dear Regioque (August 24) It is Bob whom I want to think about. Oh! I love him so much already. It’s scary and beautiful. He brought me a darling card with the most touching words of comfort in it written by him. And he signed it “Love, Bob.” Oh, is it true? Thank You, All!!!
I considered getting a card referring to love, but I reconsidered. I didn’t want to be premature. I wish I had bought the card. I know my feelings are not premature. I love Bob so intensely. My goodness I love him as I loved Harold before breaking up with him. If this much intensity is present in such a short period of time, I am frightened to think of the future.
2025
It is unfortunate to hear that many men of today are not comfortable writing a card that expresses their love for the woman for whom they care. I presume this is the new “macho” or a way of avoiding becoming hurt.
Any person who wants to be loved has to be man or woman enough to demonstrate love. He or she must be open to hurt, if that occurs. However, as I experienced the act of taking the chance to be hurt, to be vulnerable, was very much worth opening myself to Bob Scott.
And I am confident to say that he would say the same.
A woman or man who is open to sharing feelings, allowing herself/himself to be vulnerable, is the individual who has actually put on his/her “big girl’s/boy’s pants on.” This is what makes a person truly an adult. This will be the adult who will be fulfilled and continue to grow emotionally and spiritually until s/he leaves this earth.
Diary Entry—August 27, 1979
Dear Regioque (August 27) My dinner on Sat. was superb! Thank You, St. Zita!!!! Everything came out just right.
Then, yesterday, Bob fixed dinner for us. Gee, the man can cook. It was delicious. The most beautiful thing about the day was we went to Mass together. Oh! It meant so much to me to be asked to go to church.
2025
One way to show one’s love for one another is through food. If either one of you can cook or can help, that is a great way to express care for one another.
Oh, you see that I mention St. Zita. Well, as a Catholic, a convert at age 15, I chose her to be my patron saint. And she is the saint for cooks. And she has helped me. At least, I think so.
Most important is for any relationship to have a spiritual basis. No, I am not saying that you have to go to a house of worship every week. I am saying that some spiritual foundation would be helpful to meet the challenges that all relationships will face.
I can say Bob and I would attend church together. We would pray together. And we began that way and continued that way throughout our relationship. I believe that strong spiritual base was the foundation of our relationship. And I believe that many relationships lack the spiritual core; thus, there are some unhappy people in relationships/marriages out there. And you do not want to be one of them.
Diary Entry—October 6, 1979
Dear Regioque (October 6) On Wednesday night Bob and I had a serious conversation. He indicated that he felt a bit pressured. And his and my timeline definitely differed regarding marriage. I guess my Taurus concern for preparation got the best of me. Anyway I know he is right, and I think I have to give him more time to think and be certain. And if he doesn’t ask me to marry him until much later, I figure now (after prayers, arguing with myself, talking with Bessie [another sister/friend]—she really helped me see this thing clearly, that is fine. We can use the time to learn more about each other.
To be quite honest, after the conversation, even I feel less pressure. I realize there IS time. And so, what if I marry in the Fall? I’ll take off for a week for a honeymoon. Certainly, that is not a sin. I’ll let God handle matters. And when He feels Bob and I are ready for this final commitment, He’ll let us know. I shall keep my faith in Him.
One thing is for sure. I know Bob loves me. And I know that is most important.
Oh, yesterday we went to lunch. Very nice.
Oh, and I want to talk with him. I just don’t know what I’ll do. Yes, I do. I’ll survive. And my love for him will grow.
2025
When I re-read this particular entry, I see my insecurities. And what helped me overcome them was Bob’s consistent demonstration of care for me. Also, we never stopped communicating with one another. We talked to one another AND we listened to one another. That is what got us through. Well, that is what helped me get through my concern about dates and times of a marriage.
Perhaps, it was that biological clock ticking in the back of my mind. Indeed, I was no “spring chicken,” And the idea of saving eggs was not as prevalent in 1979 as today. And in 1979 I did not have the funds to engage in such activity. So, now, I realize my concern about becoming a mother was the real reason why I felt the pressure and I was pressuring Bob.
Umph, I recall my gynecologist once said to me, “Fairy, we have stuff to prevent you from becoming pregnant AND we have stuff to help you to become pregnant. So, don’t worry.” And he was sooo right.
In 1984 I became a Mom. Thus, I was blessed to have my son, born of my heart when I married his Dad in 1980. And I was later blessed to have my daughter, born from the “cooch.”
All that crazy worry was such a waste of time. All that pressure I placed on myself was a waste of time.
I strongly suggest to all couples moving toward that final commitment of marriage to relish that time together with no 24/7 commitments. Enjoy one another and let the feelings flow, as Bob would say to me.
Diary Entry—November 10, 1979
Dear Regioque (November 10) Well, I feel better than last eve. I had a productive day. And I drove to Ann Arbor and had dinner at Bob’s Mom’s house.
It was a VERY enjoyable eve. I really had a nice time.
Bob’s son was there. And we got along very nicely. He is a precious little one with a smile that will melt your heart.
I’m really glad I went. The drive back was not as long.
I know one thing—Bob Scott loves me. As for other matters, I shall let God handle.
2025
Before I have mentioned the importance of getting to know your special person’s family. You learn a lot about him/her. Pay close attention to the dynamics. It was very obvious to me that Bob loved his Mother very much. He and she would joke with one another.
I had read that a woman will have a good idea how the man will treat her based on how he treats his Mom. Also, a man will have a good idea how the woman will treat him based on how she treats her Dad. Unfortunately, many people in the 70s and more now, just do not even know their Mom or Dad. They just have no relationship with them. So, are they doomed? No.
Still, they have “baggage” that they need to recognize and be willing to address. Perhaps, counseling or therapy or some kind of real dealing with the results of that baggage, or their relationship may be somewhat rocky. Am I saying it won’t work? I am NOT saying that. I AM saying that “mommy/daddy” issues will affect the relationship if not addressed.
And there is another key issue. Does your loved one have any children? What age? Do you get along with the little one, pre-teen, teen, young adult, or grown adult? Yes, this is important. And if you know you do not like or love children, um, you will have to face this issue—head on.
Also, as I did, observe how the individual treats his/her child. If you are considering having a child with him/her. pay CLOSE attention to the relationship s/he has with the children s/he has now. If s/he does not seem loving to the children s/he already has, it is doubtful his/her behavior will be any different with any future children.
Oh well, I’m just sayin’.
Diary Entry—November 10, 1979
Dear Regioque (November 10) Guess from whom I received a Thanksgiving Day card? Harold. Can you believe it? Oh, how quickly we do forget? Do you remember last Thanksgiving? I’m glad Harold is out of my life.
2025
Yes, I really did care for Harold. Yes, I loved him. And I did all that I could to foster that relationship.
I believe strongly that when I am in a relationship, I should give all that I can. So, if continuous circumstances show that the dude does not love me, I must “cut bait.”
And this is what I say to ya’ll out there, especially you women. Keep in mind that you will NOT die if the relationship does not work. Yes, you may snot-nose cry, but you WILL survive. And someone better will enter your life.
So you want to make dern sure you have done everything you possibly could do. So, when you break it off, you won’t have to look back or ask yourself: Should I have done this? If I had done that. . .then, things would have worked.
When you know there are no should’ve or Ifs, you know you do not need to look back.
Just look ahead.
That is what I did. And I had no reason to question myself. I KNEW that Bob was the man for me. And on Thanksgiving Day, boy, I was so very grateful for him and grateful God gave me the wisdom to know that he was the man for me.
Diary Entry—December 10, 1979
Dear Regioque (December 10) I talked with Bob for a long time tonight. As usual we can chatter for hours. I feel so comfortable with him. He said, “You have done a job on me.” He was referring to his feelings for me. He had not anticipated loving and much less considering marriage anytime soon if ever.
He is precious to me. And God I plan to make him the happiest man alive. I want to be the best wife a man could ever have. I love him SO very much.
2025
As a relationship develops deeper, both individuals should be unencumbered to express their feelings. Yes, the movies show couples “reading each other’s minds.” In real life, that does not occur until much later in the relationship—almost after you have beennmarried for quite some years.
So, you MUST say out loud what you feel deep in your heart and soul. Do not expect the one you love to be a mind reader. That is too exhausting. Geez, we have to do that kind of thing at the job.
Don’t make the time together like your profession. Just as you may get tired of doing that at your workplace, you may feel that same kind of exhaustion with the relationship and, then, quit.
Diary Entry—December 21, 1979
Dear Regioque (December 21) Throughout my trial at my job [that is for another story or book], I knew Ihad a man whom I could depend on for moral support and sound advice. Gee, I have been strong for so long by myself. As I said to Mommy, it is good to have a man whom one can lean on. Yes, even I need someone.
Bob said to me he feels confident I’ll pass the prelims. And Lord knows I AM GOING TO with His Help. However, the beautiful thing is Bob has made it clear that he’ll love me regardless. He’ll be there. Yes, that is so beautiful.
Oh, I know he would be a good husband. and I know he would be a loving father. Oh, God, now I know or understand the depth or feeling of care for a spouse as I have heard about or sensed in my friends for their hubbies.
I am ready to start this upcoming decade in a wider role. The roles of good wife, good mother, and scholar are my new hopes. The wife and mother are so very important. I have waited so long, and I feel You have blessed me with the man who will help me fulfill my dream.
2025
It is crucial that one enters and solidifies a relationship as a strong individual. Neither should be a wimp. Why not? Neither one should be the kind of person that someone needs to save. Each should be able to stand on his/her own two feet and be able to save himself/herself.
There will be times when one of you will have to carry the weight. And neither should feel s/he has always to be that person. Both of you need to know that the burden will not always be yours.
Furthermore, it is important that each of you are cheerleaders for one another. Even when it seems you may lose at a particular game of life, you can hear your partner providing words of encouragement or just giving a smile that lets you know, “you’re all right with me.”
It is difficult to have that cheerleader if s/he is always dependent on you. If what you want is a dependent spouse, um, there may come a day when you just get plain ol’ tired of being the only one in the relationship who is the only one doing the cheering.
Have I been that good wife, that consistent cheerleader? Bob has told me and showed me for 44 years of our marriage and he has told one of his best friends who shared this with me a few months after Bob’s transition to his Heavenly home:
Bobby always spoke lovingly of you even before I could ask “How is Faydonaway” [a special nickname he called me]. Every time we talked on the phone, his admiration and devotion was always obvious and deep. You could hear the smile and joy in his voice. . . You were the luckiest of all that knew (married for 44 years) Bobby because you were blessed to know and experience the most beautiful, caring and loving person that Bobby embodied, and that is something no loss can ever erase.
Well, as this narrative continues, you and I will see if I fulfilled the other roles.
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