A BLACK LOVE STORY: A SENIOR'S PERSPECTIVE, PART 3 by FAIRY C. HAYES-SCOTT

Robert and Fairy Hayes-Scott

In A Black Love Story: A Senior’s Perspective, I provide entries from my diary that share and reflect on my experiences with romance. This is Part 3 of my entries from 1980, along with my perspectives in 2025.

You may be interested in reading Preface To A Black Love Story: A Senior’s Perspective to learn how this series began.

You can read Part 1 of A Black Love Story: A Senior’s Perspective HERE.

You can read Part 2 of A Black Love Story: A Senior's Perspective HERE.

Diary Entry—January 4, 1980

Dear Regioque (January 4) Happy New Year! Thank you and All my Heavenly Friends for such a beautiful holiday.

On Christmas Eve Bob and I exchanged gifts. I received a lovely watch. thanky.

Mrs. Scott gave me a gorgeous scarf and Jeanne gave me some Halston lotion. I was touched.

Of course, I spent Christmas Day with Mums and Daddy and I visited Grandma Mary and Aunt Mattie. I picked up Aunt Rose for family dinner.

I saw Mums off at the airport with Daddy and I was treated to a luncheon by Cynthia. Later on that eve, Bob and I met Claire and Richard at Weber’s. A great meal and enjoyable conversation.

I had a lot of reading and met with Jillar over the holiday. Oh, I feel we’re goin’ to pass the prelims. We still continue to work hard. HELP!!!

Now, back to my socializing—on Sat. we, Bob and I, had a super time at Piper’s Alley with Joe and Claudette. The place was just like the movies. A good

group—Mainstreet—played some really good music! Oh, I had so much fun!

And I spent the rest of my time with Bob—very nice!

This was one of my happiest New Year’s Eve. Bob and I toasted the New Year with wine and buttered popcorn. I am grateful to God for Bob.

However, I am concerned that Bob might be too scared of the idea of marriage. But I figure I have to let God handle Bob. He’s brought us this far; I have trust He’ll take care of Bob’s anxieties.

It’s like a spiritual that a friend reminded me of: You’ve brought me this far, Lord; I know it wasn’t to let me down.

I am going to believe this in regard to my prelims and Bob. I’m to hold onto God’s Coattails.

I want to be a first-rate Ph.D. and a first-rate wife of Bob Scott. Help!

I love Bob so much. Thank You, God, for sending him to me.

2025

This entry provides a lot of lessons for me to reflect upon and share.

It is so very important to interact with the family of the person with whom you care. And it is a bonus for you if they really like you. Yes, indeed, I was so very fortunate that Bob’s Mom liked me as well as his family and friends.

Next, it was important that I continued my close relationship with my family. One never knows how a relationship will develop, but the love one has been nurtured by is steadfast. And I had the sense to keep that in mind.

Furthermore, I have seen some folks who have a dude or dudette in their lives, to devote so much time with that individual they neglect being with their friends. Bad move. As important as it was for me to socialize with Bob’s friends, it was just as important that he meet and socialize with mine.

Um, if your partner does not like to be with your close friends or you are not comfortable being with his/hers, this is a relationship you need to seriously reconsider.

And as you see, my communication with my Higher Power has been steadfast throughout all of my relationships. Only to talk with Him when you need something from Him and forget Him when things are going well is like using a friendship. No friend likes to be used, calling when there is a “woe-is-me" situation, but s/he doesn’t hear from you when things are going well. When God sees me on His “caller ID,” He won’t have to think, “Oh, now what’s wrong with her.”

Most importantly, the need to have complete faith in the relationship with the one loved and the God Who has sent him must never be forgotten.

Diary Entry—January 6, 1980

Dear Regioque (January 6) Today is Bob’s b’day. Oh, I am so grateful to God for letting him be alive and well for these past 36 years. I plan to fix him a nifty dinner with the help of St. Zita. We’re havin’ ribs, baked beans, potato salad, baked sweet potato, and lemon meringue pie.

Oh last night I finally joined Christ the King Catholic Church. Father Mike Matarrazo (sp?) took my info. For so long I have been looking for the right parish for me. It is a small parish, a very homey one. And the priests, Fr. Mike and Fr. Larry Parkhust, show an awareness of the real world. I feel good and at peace.

Bob was disappointed and disgruntled that he was not there when I formally joined. To be quite honest, I had not thought it would matter all that much, but I found out differently. Oops.

Bob and I had a kind of difference. I call it that because I can’t think of a better term. It wasn’t an argument or a major tension—just that, a difference. But in a way it wasn’t even that. I felt melancholy and lonely, and he had things on his mind. And. . .but we are A-ok.

Especially after my talking with him later on, in the wee hours of this morn. He and I are made for each other. In a way I think we are funny. We are both so sensitive and concerned for each other and kookie. I guess, God, You have put together a beautiful pair. And we both thank You.

Oh, Fr. Mike asked if I were dating Bob seriously. I replied “yes.” He remarked that was good. and that Bob was a good man deserving good. I think this is good to have a priest who speaks highly of the person I am dating. And that alleviates my fears even more of the man.

2025

Well, as you can see, we continue to show our love by cooking for one another. Yes, that menu does sound good to me—44 years later :).

The need for a church home was very important for me. Let me say this again—it is important to have a spiritual home. It is needed not just for your romantic side of your life; it is needed, well; it was and is for me today, for every aspect of life.

Whenever you make a significant choice in your life, do not take it for granted that your dude or dudette may not be interested or you just plain ol’ not think of him/her. Keep your partner informed even if you think it is “no big thing.”

And I can guarantee you that there will come “differences” between you two. That is life. The difference does not mean that you are going to break up or divorce. Sometimes, you just feel “icky.” Take a walk or a drive or work in the garden—whatever gives you and him/her time to think and breathe; then, move on not focusing on that “icky” moment. Quite frankly, you probably won’t even remember why you were feeling that way. It’s just life.

Yes, I have to say, when Fr. Mike came up to me and gave that ringing endorsement of Bob, that really reassured me that I was on the right track. Also, I needed to quit worrying about if Bob would ever pop the question to me. I needed to chill, as the young people of today say.

Obviously that was so true since I became married to the man for 44 years!

Diary Entry —January 8, 1980

Dear Regioque (Jan. 8) Oh, Gerald called. Ho hum. I hope the guy meets a nice girl. He just isn't for me. I wish him luck.

Oh, but my Bob is a good man in so many ways. And I am lonely for him. I wish I could be with him this week more. But I realize I can’t push; I must let him breathe. I shall continue to be myself and hope that he will soon trust me and believe in me enough to ask me to be his wife.

When I say I am lonely, for me, it is not a physical need but the emotional and spiritual need to feel his presence. I really have nothing of value to say. I just want to hold onto his spiritual presence which comes through the phone. Bob has reached out and touched Fairy’s heart, Fairy’s deepest love potential. Yes, I know he is whom I want to spend my life. Now, if it is God’s Will, it will happen.

Oh! Charles sent me a post card from Philadelphia. I was surprised to hear from him. He will always be a treasured friend. He helped me grow. And his help benefited me in my trying to be patient and trusting of Bob. Gee, I hope he is happy. He is a good person in his own way.

2025

Well, this may happen to you, especially females. Past dudes may come out of the woodwork. Now, if you followed my advice, this should not even rattle you or make you question your new relationship. If you recall I shared that you should give your all, well, as much you feel you can and should, during the relationship. So, when you recognize you need to end it, end it. There should be no regrets. You should know you have given all you could to that relationship with the dude. So, when you meet the RIGHT man for you, you will have no reason to look back.

And that is how it was for me regarding Gerald. Oh, by the way I had not heard from him in months. Was I an afterthought since things may not have gone well for him with another chick?

And how could I forget Charles, whom I really cared for deeply? Yet, he did not care for me in the same manner. Lord knows I gave him a lot of my emotional time and space. Yes, I would always see him as a friend, but I knew that was all he would be—a friend, a long-distance friend.

And could I ever forget Harold? He was the guy who pursued me. When I began to fall in love with him, he changed his behavior and pulled away from me. Geez, he did not think to take me out on my birthday; it was Bob Scott who took me to a movie.

Yup, you can remember the nice times, but do not forget the reason you ended the relationship with the dudes. Pray fer ‘em and wish ‘em the best.

As for you, just as for me, MOVE ON.

Diary Entry—January 18, 1980

Dear Regioque (Jan. 18) On a new note of concern—my health. The results from the test I took show some icky cells. So, I have to take another test to see if it is

cancerous—an endometrial biopsy. At first I became worried. The first thing one can think of is cancer—hysterectomy—no children—pain, death. But I remembered that saying: The Lord has not brought you this far to let you down.” And so, I am leaving this in God’s Hands.

I shan’t tell Mommy and Daddy until I know something definite. I have shared the results with Bob, not to get sympathy but because he is so much a part of me.

And I surely can’t worry about something that I don’t know about or have any control over. Right?? I figure if God pulled me through last year with all its professional challenges, I know He’ll help me with future matters as well. Thus, I have decided to put my health, my social life, my academic life, and my professional life in His Hands. Yep, I’ll let Him deal with ‘em.

As for Bob, he continues to be beautiful. I saw him last night. We went to Ponderosa for dinner and, then, came back here for a pleasant chat. Oh, he is such a good man. Thank You, God.

2025

You see I have neglected to share about other aspects of my life, my job, which I truly loved. Still, there were challenges. However, that will be for another book. What I do want to say is no romance continues in a vacuum. Other “thangs” happen.

As for me, there was health. And the very thought of possibly dealing with cancer was unsettling for me. And it is very important that the man or woman in your life must show support when a possible health challenge may occur. That person in your life must listen to you and truly show concern. If s/he does not do this before you have walked down the aisle with him/her, you need to think long and hard if that individual is for you.

Diary Entry—January 25, 1980

Dear Regioque (Jan. 25) Well, guess what? Charles called on Tuesday early eve. Surprising? No, not that he called. I expected him to call sometime in Jan. or Feb.

It was some parts of his conversation that surprised me. He inquired if I were dating anyone and if it were “tight" and how “tight.” I let him know it was. And I shared that maybe in 2 yrs. or so I might marry. He said that was beautiful. Then, he said that “You never miss the water until the well runs dry.” This was in reference to me. Oh? He said if things ever changed between me and my guy he wanted me to call. I reiterated he would always be a treasured friend. And Charles said he could not see me just as a friend/friend. Oh well. Then, he said to me, “If I ever got you back, I’d never let you go. You’re an intelligent lady; you’re not stupid. And so, call me if ever things change.”

Gee! I never expected Charles to ever say something like that to me. Of course, I know men will make those kinds of hints toward marriage. And when you say, “I thought you waned to marry me.” or “You said you wanted . . .” They reply, “I didn’t say that; I just said I’d never let you go.”

At this point in my life, I have the man whom I love—Bob Scott. I have no qualms or second thoughts about my love or wanting to be his wife. Yes, Charles’s call was flattering to my ego. But the effect was not as great as last year. Because despite my love for Charles, there was uncertainty about Charles’s feelings for me. With Bob there is no uncertainty about his feelings for me; he SHOWS me. He flatters me constantly. The best thing about Charles’s call is it helped confirm my feelings for Bob and certainty about our relationship.

I shared the conversation with Bob. It was funny, but I told Bob the details just as if he were a girlfriend. I don’t want to have any secrets from him. I don’t think I have to tell him everything. But anything that might relate to us, I feel no qualms about sharing. Many would say I’m a fool, maybe so. But I don’t want to enter a marriage constantly hiding things. If I get shafted, I’ll have to cope. Bob is a unique man; I plan to deal with him as he deals with me.

 2025

Especially, a woman has to be very careful not to let her relationship with a really nice man get waylaid by lingering feelings for an old love. As I said before, you need to give all you can with the dude you are with; then, if you have to break up, break up knowing you have done everything to keep the relationship going.

Charles is one of the best examples of this. I loved him intensely. I tried. However, he was not putting into the relationship what I was willing to give. So, we ended the reationship. And I was through. Yes, I saw him as a friend, but nothing more. When you say you are through with the dude, make dern sure you are. Either stay with the dude who is not treating you as you wish or stay with him and miss out on the good man that God places in your life. That was the situation with Charles. And, thank God I had the sense to know I had met the good man, and he was not Charles.

Furthermore, yes, I told Bob about Charles’s overture. Why not? If he got an attitude about what I shared, then, that would have told me a lot about him and how he would handle anything else I would tell him that was serious about another man or any kind of delicate subject. And it would be best to know BEFORE walking down a wedding aisle than after the vows have been said.

Throughout the 44 years of our marriage, we did not keep secrets from one another, except little ones, like where we were hiding Christmas or birthday presents. In other words, the serious stuff, pleasant or unpleasant, we told one another. That is what kept our love strong. And this is one of the key recipes for keeping a relationship strong and a marriage even stronger.

Diary Entry—April 23, 2025

Dear Regioque (Apr. 23) Wow! I have been so busy these past months, checking papers, preparing for my lecture classes, having passed the pre-lims (YAY!), and just so much more.

“Soon after May” does not necessarily mean June. Bob made that clear. Oh pooh. Then, it seems my October wedding is becoming further and further out of reach. I just don’t think it will ever occur. I’ve told Bob that I don’t want to have to throw things together in four months, and he says he understands. Still, this bothers me.

Oh, I want a beautiful wedding day, not one with snow and freezing rain and yuk. Damn. Why can’t I have my dream of a beautiful autumn day? Oh, I become so frustrated. Then, I have to force myself to trust in God and remember God will make everything work. He won’t let me down. Then, there is my Mums. When I told her I might become engaged, she told me emphatically to “make it clear to Bob that I would not be raising his son if something happened to his mother. You do all that, and, when the child grows up, he won’t even know you. And as for that whole family, they won’t be all that caring for you either.” Um, that hurt me, but, also, irritated me. For the first time in my life, I stated a disagreement with her, “Well, Mommy if that happens, it will be I who will have to live with that consequence, not you. I really care for Bob’s son. And I care for his family. And I shall continue to treat them well as long as they treat me well. Yes, you are right. Everything may blow up in my face. However, I shall have to live with that, not you.”

Gee, I wanted to share my joy with her. However, she took that joy away and left me feeling alone. Sad.

2025

This entry covers two crucial issues—the receiving of the ring so I could set the wedding date and my Mother’s comments regarding raising Bob’s son.

First, let me discuss the latter issue. Earlier in this work, I noted that parents may have their own personal baggage. Clearly my Mother had hers. Daddy had a daughter; Mother never had any relationship with her. This was partly, perhaps, because of Daddy’s ex-wife and, also, because of Mother. So, she could not fathom my having a different kind of relationship with Bob’s son.

Well, when I went into the marriage with Bob, I loved his son and I treated him as my son, not stepson, but my son. I did not hold back my love for him. I put what my Mother had said not in the back of my mind. I put it OUT of my mind. And I can say that today and throughout my marriage, the love we have for each other is undeniable. And he refers to me and introduces me as his “Second Mom.” And I am so very proud to be.

You may love your Mom or Dad and respect their opinions. Yet, when you consider marrying a person who already has children, you must be ready and open to love them TOTALLY. And if one of your parents has his/her own personal baggage from previous experiences with children of a previous spouse or partner, you cannot allow that baggage TO be yours. If you do you are setting up your marriage and relationship with the child/children for failure.

As for the second concern, the wedding date, yes, Bob gave me my ring on Aug. 17, 1980. Plans were made for our wedding day to be Dec. 20, 1980. Yes, it was cold; it had been snowy a few days before, but on that day there was no snow, no freezing rain; it was beautiful. And all of our friends and family attended, 200 strong, at the Renaissance Center in downtown Detroit. So, all my haranguing was totally unnecessary. And so will yours be. If you have anxieties, just trust in your Higher Power and be happy!