MANA: What inspired you to write "A Widow's Sharing and Guide: Forever With Me" particularly while you were still experiencing grief over the loss of your husband?
Nora White Martin (NWM): After being approached by a number of widows who admired the way I appeared to be adjusting to my loss, I was asked, "How are you able to bounce back so smoothly?" I shared that even after losing my husband, I continued to keep in contact with family, church, friends, and groups. I was also honest and shared that in the quiet times, I would listen to music that allowed me to make a connection with Lee. My favorite song happened to be Yolanda Adams's “Forever with Me," the lyrics made me feel that I was speaking to him. This individual and small group discussions led to luncheon dates and informal meetings with widows. The major thrust of our conversations centered around two topics: "What do you miss most about him?" and "Would you consider remarriage or a new courtship?" I chose to include many of these responses toward the end of my book after my friends and family shared that Lee and I had a "love story for the ages" and my book should reflect our relationship—from courtship until his transition—as the basis for this memoir.
MANA: How did you navigate the emotional challenges of revisiting difficult memories while writing your memoir?
NWM: I would categorize in my own mind—the highs and lows of our marriage. For example, in the chapter where we were struggling with infertility, I pulled out the pictures, artwork, and essays that my grandchildren have accomplished. This takes me to the joys and blessings of the three children (who are all adults now) we finally were blessed to have. I am currently having ups and downs and other emotions because Lee is not here to see our two granddaughters graduate, one from college and the other one from high school. He would be so proud of them! They were 16 and 12 years old when he passed six years ago.
MANA: Did writing this memoir bring you any unexpected insights or perspectives on your life or your husband's life?
NWM: Yes! I never expected so many people, mostly widows, who sought me out for support. I am a retired educator and have never professed to be a social worker or psychologist. There was also immense gratitude that many families of men (especially African American) who have been unfairly incarcerated had for Lee's efforts to get them the chance to live a wholesome life.
MANA: How did you decide which aspects of your experiences to include in the memoir, and were there any moments you chose to leave out?
NWM: I tried to balance the good and the challenges surrounding Lee's illnesses. My children warned me of special incidents around their teen years that they strongly suggested that I leave out of the book—I obeyed!
MANA: How did you find time for writing, especially if you were working or busy with different activities?
NWM: It was a challenge especially when I started. After getting encouragement from fellow widows with their input and a promise to each of them that if I included them in the book I would not reveal their names, this helped. After about six months into my writing, I designated a specific number of hours per week to write. I had my first trip abroad in June and that meant when I returned I had to double up to make up for lost time. A bout of Covid slowed me down for almost a month last summer. I recovered and got busy!!!
MANA: How did you balance the need for honesty and vulnerability in your writing while also respecting the privacy of yourself and your family members?
NWM: I have three adult children who really feel that I need protection since their dad passed. I did not want them to worry when I made some unfortunate business decisions regarding getting this book published. I had to open up to them and they helped me get through a rough period.
MANA: What was the easiest part of writing the book?
NWM: When I was able to allow the reader to feel the love between Lee and me! I know we were spiritually made for each other.
MANA: What was the most difficult part of writing the book?
NWM: Self-doubt as to whether I could really capture the essence of my Lee. For example, I should have added the number of times “out of the blue” he would look at me and say, "Hey Nora—I love my WIFE!"
MANA: Is this your first time self-publishing a book? If so, what important advice would you give another first-time author?
NWM: I have contributed to articles in my field of Special Education. This is the first time I have published a memoir. My advice is to follow your heart. If your book is personal and involves other people, please listen to them, listen to your thoughts, capture the words, read, and reread. You will know when you get a Bingo!
MANA: What advice would you offer to others who may be struggling with grief or considering writing about their own experiences?
NWM: Realize that grief is personal! And allow yourself to be you! Realize you can cry as much as you want, and find someone who will listen. You know things are getting better when you can share. One lady in my study was in a bad marriage and felt guilty because she did not have the positive things that most of us could share. With the support, she shared it was not so bad that she now could live her life in peace, even though her grief came from a different place. Everyone knows my downtime brings me to Yolanda Adams's song, “Forever with Me.” Sometimes, I fall asleep just listening to it. Other times, I sing along as though I am communicating with my sweetheart. It is personal!
Visit MANA's website at MarketingNewAuthors.com to learn more about A Widow's Sharing and Guide: Forever With Me by Nora White Martin, Ph.D.
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