Challenges Faced During A Love Relationship by Dr. Fairy Hayes-Scott

Introduction

And they lived happily ever after. . . And that is kind of true for truly real love relationships. There will be bumps in any relationship. That is what is called “life.” The test is how the individuals face and cope with those bumps. And that is what this section will illustrate.

Just as in the other part of my narrative, A Black Love Story: A Senior's Perspective, I shall transcribe from my diary; then, I shall share my perspectives as a senior who has looked back and garnered some wisdom that I wish to share with my readers.

Now, you may note that I have not entitled this section, Challenges Faced During a Black Love Relationship. Why not? NO matter one’s ethnicity or race, one or more of these challenges will be faced by any couple and you do not have to look out for them; if you live long enough, something will happen.

Some challenge will “rock your world.” Don’t look for it; it will happen, sometimes, when you least expect it. Then, you will see what you and your loved one are really made of—for the long haul or just for a short run.

OK, let me start. . .

Challenge One: Learning to Communicate One’s True Feelings to One Another

Diary Entry

Dear Regioque (Feb. 29, 1980) I talked with Bob last night about different things. It was interesting that he remarked that some women whom he had dated saw marriage as a fairy tale. I quickly noted what I thought he was implying. And I firmly let him know I’m under no illusions. However, I choose not to focus on the banal side of marriage. I was slightly annoyed but not as fumed as I used to be months ago. And what was good was we could express our feelings freely.

Also, I let him know how I felt about living in the same city as his ex-wife lived. I do not want to live in the same city as she, but I recognize that his new job would require that he lived in the city he worked. Well, at least I feel good to be able to get that out of my system. I feel if this relationship is to REALLY grow we must be able to say what we feel without fear of repercussions.

Earlier this week we discussed how we planned to spend this weekend. I wanted him to come over tonight; he wanted to wait until Saturday. I didn’t say anything that night. I needed to think about it, and I perceived he was pooped. But it did bother me.

At first I questioned if this were a repeat of past relationships. Then, I felt this just reaffirmed our not marrying regardless of his statements that he cared for me. Then, I wanted to talk to someone. But nope. I decided to discuss my concerns with him the following night.

That was good. I figured it’s best to let the person I’m involved with know my reservations.

2025

No matter how mature one may be in age or how many degrees one may have, these issues mean nothing when it comes to romance. Well, let me say in regards to myself. I had been hurt in the past. As much as I tried not to let the past influence my thoughts and feelings, it did, and that was not Bob’s fault; that was on me.

Yes, I was insecure. And I did not want to get hurt again. I did not want to be a fool. And as one song in the 70s by The Main Ingredient said: “Everybody plays the fool; there’s no exception to the rule.” I had been a fool in some past relationships. And if this were to happen to me in this one with Bob, oh well, I would have to deal with it and move on.

This was not Bob’s fault. And so, I had to recognize that Bob had not done anything to make me distrust him; these were my fears, my insecurities, and I had to cope with them. I needed to allow myself to be vulnerable and share these fears and insecurities with the man whom I was with and know that I would not die if Bob turned out to be a liar and cheat, which he did not—whew!

One thing is certain: I did not die in the past, and I would not die if my relationship with Bob had not gone well. Yes, I would have snot-nose cried, but not died. And that is what I want to remind every young woman out there. Yes, you may feel awful; you may feel like a fool, but you will LIVE!

Furthermore, if you really care for the guy, let him know how you feel. No man can read your mind; you have to communicate with him. This is the firm basis for a real love relationship. As the years continued, I would periodically re-read this Feb. 29 diary entry and remember to share my concerns, fears, and irritations with the man whom I was with, not with anyone else. And that level of open communication made our relationship/our marriage strong.

Diary Entry 

Dear Regioque (Mar. 6) On Monday eve Bob shared that a past girl friend, who had a little girl whom he cared for, was trying to rekindle the relationship. She would tell him that the little girl wanted to know why he was not visiting anymore. Um, I tried to be understanding. I wanted to say, “Tell the woman not to call you anymore!” However, I listened.

He said to me, “Well, it is obvious that I must let her know that I have someone else in my life—you—and there is no need for her to call me anymore. And if she does, I shall have to hang up the phone.”

I pray that God handles the matter.

As I have said before and have felt, Bob may underestimate the persistence of some women. However, that will be his responsibility to handle any women of the past. If he does not, I know that will be a sign for me to move on.

Tonight, I turned to a previous diary entry—Jan. 22, 1979.. Interesting I loved Harold, then. But although we communicated, I never REALLY knew if he loved me. I felt it, but there was always a vagueness. I KNOW Bob loves me. And that’s what makes this relationship SO special. I KNOW I’m loved by my man. Lord, give him strength and me trust, please.

2025

Both persons in a relationship must communicate, And when the guy chooses to share something, it is very important that the woman does not “fly off the handle with her mouth flapping.” 

There is a verse in the Bible that states: “Be still.” And I recall my dear, dear Aunt Rose said to me: “Do not be worried about what a man tells you. It is what he does not tell you that you should be concerned about.” I recall I responded, “What if he does not tell me?” She replied, “His actions will tell you.”

I heeded the Biblical advice and that of my Aunt Rose. Both words of wisdom helped me contribute to the groundwork for Bob’s comfortability to share with me.

And Bob was always one to listen. He had a calm spirit that invited openness from me.

It was in our relationship that I learned that communication was not just talking. It was LISTENING. 

Diary Entry 

Dear Regioque (Mar. 11) Bob is coming over for dinner. I plan to fry catfish, smother potatoes and onions, boil corn, fix a salad, and bake some cornbread. I can hardly wait for his visit.

As you know I miss not being with him. Sometimes, I feel down about it. Then, I have to realize that this is counterproducrive to my emotions and to the relationship to get depressed. Sometimes, I feel Bob just doesn’t want to be with me, at least not as much as I want to be with him, Then, I pray for some perspective.

I have to realize that Bob never has any time to himself, at least, not on the weekends. And so, a Fri. night to himself gives him a breather. Now, if we marry, I will have to keep this in mind. And it will be wise to give him time to himself. I could go to Detroit to visit Mommy and Daddy or go with a Soror for lunch or dinner or encourage him to go and play poker with the guys. I do not want to smother him.

And I am realistic enough to know that even I will, sometimes, need breathing space. I chuckle. Bob thinks I’m naive and a bit idealistic about marriage. Hah! I am more realistic than he thinks. It’s just I don’t see marriage as a drudgery. I know there are icky times, but I choose not to dwell on those times. Why dwell on the bad? That only makes things worse. Now, if Bob could only understand my philosophy regarding how I view marriage, maybe he would not be so worried that I might become disappointed and disenchanted.

How could I be? Gee, after living with Mums and Daddy through many stormy days of their marriage, I would have to have blinders on to remain naive. However, I saw through those 2 people the ability to hang in there when the goin’ got tough (Of course, everyone’s tough is different). And I realize that if a person cares, even though there is discord, s/he will hang in there.

2025

I see that I really was concerned about Bob’s wanting to be with me. Now, here is the challenge. The concern or fear that I had was not because of anything Bob said or did. Everything was based on my fear, my insecurity, my concern that he would disband our relationship. Sometimes, I was scared to state my feelings. I had to learn to express these feelings.

Yes, what if he lied and said he understood? So what if? When entering a relationship, there are always what-ifs. One just has to “suck it up” and go beyond the uncertainty; one has to talk it out with that person.

However, before she talks it out with that person, she must talk it out with herself. And that is what I had to do. I needed to understand my reason for my uncertainties, as well as my reason for being so positive in spite of what I witnessed as a child in the turbulent marriage of my parents. The more I began to understand myself, the more I came to understand Bob’s perception of me and my attitude toward marriage.

And, yes, that issue of communicating involves talking, listening, and personal reflections.

Diary Entry

Dear Regioque (Mar. 11—continued) Why have I written this? Well, I realize that Bob is scared of committing himself to me because of different reasons. And one main reason that sticks in my mind is his concern that after a few years I might become disillusioned or disappointed. 

Um, I wish I could articulate to him without a lot of emotionalism that I can’t be disillusioned because I ain’t got no illusions. And I can’t be disappointed because my expectations are reasonable, I think. I expect the man I marry to love me, respect me, give me emotional support, financial support, and be a good father to our children, if so blessed. I hope he will expect the same from me,

I expect he will “p o” me at times, and I will have to get in one of our cars and drive off and cool down. I expect he will come up with some dopey ideas (well, I’ll think they are dopey), and I will shake my head in disbelief. But I will return home and try to listen to his ideas and try to understand where he is coming from. And, sometimes, we will never agree but, hopefully, compromise or let one of our ideas take precedent out of love, trust, and respect for one another. And I presume he will get “p o” with me, etc., etc. 

Now, maybe I am naive, but I believe (based on the relationship during courtship), if we communicate with one another, are sincere, giving, and most sincerely love one another, whomever I marry will try to work hard with me to make our marriage last and grow in an atmosphere of love and respect. Pooh, if the above is naivete, well, so be it (smile).

Now, if I can only say all of this to Bob Scott and not make him feel I’m pressuring him to get married that will be great. God and all my Heavenly Friends, please help me.

2025

As can be seen, I had to do a lot of talking to myself before I could approach Bob. One thing I have learned about men, well, the men I have dated, they have no patience for rambling. Say what you have to say, and then shut up.

One thing I have learned about men—well, the men I have dated—is that they have no patience for rambling. Say what you have to say, and then shut up.

Also, if you have a spiritual core, I know that God or whoever is your Higher Being will help you express yourself.

Diary Entry 

Dear Regioque (Mar. 12) Oh, last eve was super. The food turned out great! Thank You, St. Zita [she is the patron saint for cooks and my Baptismal patron saint].

Bob and I had a super duper time together. We laughed so many times at so many different things. We enjoyed looking at TV together. We just enjoyed being together.

And I read him the 3/11 diary entry. He didn’t say anything, but his embrace of me let me know that I had communicated. And I felt it was not necessary that more be said, at least not then. I pray that God handles the rest.

I was talking about something. And Bob said, “I’m going to to hold you to that if we’re together then (Nov.). That bothered me, but I did not say anything and remembered to trust in God. I know that God will take care of things. All I have to do is let Him.

I’m quite sure God knows how much I love Bob and want to spend the rest of my life with him.

2025

My concern that I might be dumped was prevalent. However, with every day dating Bob Scott helped to erase those concerns. And being able to share my feelings, my insecurities, and my fears helped establish a bond between us.

The importance of sharing how we were brought up. What we saw in the marriages of our parents and the relationships we experienced as adults really had an effect on how we reacted to one another. The fact that we could share those experiences openly brought a definite insight into what we wanted and did not want.

It is so important that couples learn about each other’s families. Some want to think that is not really necessary. However, it is quite necessary. When one marries, s/he marries the family. 

So, if your backgrounds are so very different, you need to know it and face the reality of those differences. And if things just do not mesh, well, you two either need to go to pre-counseling, personal therapy, or amicably break off the relationship.

It is important that the two of you are “evenly yoked.”

And, yes, I was worried that Bob would not commit to me because of his past. I did not want to waste time and the dude not propose to me. Yet, I recognized that I should not concentrate so much on getting married. I needed to enjoy the time we had together and focus only on that time. If God wanted us to get married, it would happen.

Since I was no “Spring chicken” as my Aunt Rose said about me, I was concerned if a proposal would ever take place. After all, my friends were married and/or divorced.

Still, through thorough communication, yes, we did marry!!